Growing up, my kid brother and I were often times looked after by three of my teenaged female cousins. They were all around the same age and just a few years ahead of us. When you’re a kid, the distance of a few years is like a jog from NY to California and the girls weren’t shy about showing their prowess over us.

They kept us on a short leash with sentences like: “You better listen to what we say today or we’ll tell your father on you!”

The oldest of the girls’ specialty was using both shaming tactics and threats to keep us in line. She would often tell me and my brother, “Ya’ll know better, your mother and father taught you right!” This was in reference to our principled religious upbringing from our mother and our strict rearing from our father. Her words may have seemed like they were just simple reminders for us to do better than we were demonstrating in her evaluation; but that other side would show that her intentions weren’t altogether pure.

It was a common setting. On a Summer evening, as a blanket of humidity covered the neighborhood and the dying scent of charcoal filled the air with Snoop Dog blasting on the porch, my father came to pick me and my brother up after a long day of slaving on a hot roof. The girls would greet him eagerly as he would look upon their faces with angelic-like admiration, planting kisses on all of their foreheads – for he was both uncle and father to the girls. Within seconds, he would ask the question that left me and my brother’s fate in the balances.

“How were they today?” He would ask. Usually directing the question at my oldest cousin whom he looked at with much regard. She and the other girls were never hesitant to give an unfavorable report, even if the story was tainted.

“Uncle.” They would begin. “They were throwing rocks in the backyard, they were talking back to us and they went to the store around the corner by themselves,” the girls would tattle in their obnoxious voices.

Before my brother and I had a chance to plead our case, we were met with the ferocious piercing look of our father followed by his heavy hand smacking us upside our heads repeatedly.

GET THE #1 PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENT GUIDE FOR BLACK MEN HERE ON AMAZON

Pain, anger, embarrassment, humiliation and resentment would be just a few of the emotions traveling through my veins against my father and the girls, as I would hold in my furious anger. The girls would stand behind my father during his discipline of us, pointing with silent laughs, mocking us in the evil manner that only bratty teenaged girls are capable of, with huge smiles of pleasure, as they relished in the exhibition of their influence over him, and in turn – their power over us.

As time went on, I began like any kid does to make very broad generalizations about things. My experiences with my cousins alone taught me that if I wanted to avoid pain and punishment throughout life, it was critical to stay on the good side of women.

As I grew into being a pre-teen, the girls would still keep an eye on us, though much more casually as my brother and I began to be more independent. They would comment that they liked when I would come over to visit with them, but they didn’t like my brother coming over as much: as he was often noted as the “bad one” between us boys. He was a bit of a hyper kid. Despite their attitude towards him, I always thought that my brother had a much higher quality of spirit than I did and was mostly just a kid who needed his attention held with more appropriate activities to match his energy levels.

One of the things that I admired about my brother growing up was that he wasn’t a punk – even though I very much so was back then. He was always ready and willing to defend himself if someone stepped to him incorrectly and didn’t care much about what people thought of him. He was courageous. But there was still a part of him that would be hurt when he saw that the girls didn’t approve of him as favorably as me. I would find it a safe haven to know that I remained in their good graces, and thus, I learned to measure a large part of my worth by what females thought of me; based on these and other trained experiences over many years.

You see, my parents didn’t want my brother and me to end up like so many other young men who were in our neighborhood – many of whom had no father figures or guidance that young boys needed during the critical stages of development. They wanted us to be good, upstanding young men, to do the right things in life; not to be violent degenerates, drug addicts, drug dealers and kids who just got caught up in the wrong activity.

I would say that their plan worked. Over the years, I’ve thought how fortunate my parents were that me and my brother turned out the way that we did as we never gave them any real headaches that were so common and even expected of younger people in the area that we grew up in. Speaking for myself alone, their plan to keep us out of trouble worked with everyone else and worked for everything else, except for staying out of the kind of trouble that would take years to shed off – and that was, the infection of low self-esteem.

As I became an adult, the conditioning that I received to “do right” by females was firmly planted into my subconscious, with roots that were as deep as the ocean floor and were as thick as a 100 year old oak tree. As I would have various experiences and interactions with women, I was often times met with the same sort of mistreatment that we as boys were instructed to never inflict on our counterparts. It often came in the form of fierce heavy trampling on my spirit, by tolerating all types of inconsiderate behavior, disrespect and disregard from females with the trapped feeling of thinking that to even give up on them seemed unethical on my part.

Even as of this writing, there is a part of me that has to actively counter wanting to maintain a good report card from women – just like when I was a kid.

My dad’s “treat a lady like gold” philosophy coupled with my Christian “turn the other cheek” indoctrination lead to some jaw-breaking blows on my sense of self-worth with females, as they could essentially run amuck over me with no consequences. I was groomed from infancy to be the collected, composed, ever-patient and ever-empathetic Waymon.

Despite his sincere efforts to form us into being men who maintained a good standing with the ladies, my father was of the mistaken belief that a lady was a person born with a vagina. In turn, his direction led many like myself with similar upbringings to become what is colloquially known as a “simp,” a simpleton for women – a male who puts a female’s well-being and emotions ahead of his own, even when his virtuous treatment towards her isn’t reciprocated, goes unappreciated and is abused – and to see strive to maintain his favorable reputation with women even if it means decreasing his own quality of life.

What I ended up picking up on in my grooming is that females should not be held totally or often times even partly responsible or accountable for their actions no matter what they did, mostly because they don’t share the same strength physically as a male and have volatile emotional makeups, and thus should be treated with ease. No matter what, the rule from dad was: “always treat the ladies right.”

On one occasion, I recall a young girl who was about 14, just a year or two older than me at the time, being upset with me for some reason that I cannot recall and pulling a large butcher knife out on me in a backyard.

For what felt like an eternity, I was petrified for my life, cowering against a fence, as she would poke the large knife in my direction, indicating that if I made the wrong move that she would stab me. My brother looked on at the scene outside of her shoulder.  You should’ve seen him, keeping a safe distance, partially squatted like an NFL referee that was closely monitoring a wide receiver’s catch and ball control as they tip-toed along the sidelines.  He was probably just as scared as I was.

As other kids in the neighborhood looked on, attempting to dissuade her, she left me alone in the yard and I exited along with my brother. Till this day, I don’t even know what came over her to threaten to stab me with a knife and I can’t remember her name – and neither do I remember her receiving any consequences from my parents and probably not even her own. 

My training to be a poised and controlled young man with females transmuted into a Captain-Save-Em’ complex within me, wanting to rescue women from their history of foolish choices and subsequent consequences – no matter how irresponsible they were. My thinking was that I could put on my cape and make a difference. I have throughout most of my adulthood taken pride in and responsibility towards being a clean-up man for a woman’s lifestyle outcomes.

Our parents best efforts does not negate the cause and effect of the development of low self-esteem among myself and other Black men who share similar stories due to viewing women as being more valuable then ourselves. It wouldn’t be until my mid 20’s where for the first time as a result of taking a personal development path that I was apart of, that I would even begin discovering and employing the habits of a creating an acclaimed self-image.

A Simp is Born

I cringe when I hear a woman say something along the lines of: “I want my son to be the perfect gentleman and to just treat women so well. I want him to be the type of man that I would want to marry.”

When I often ask what they specifically envision for their sons to become, they will often say something along the lines of:

‘I just want him to be a good man.’ When asked to elaborate they suggest:

‘I want him to just be nice and kind and respectful, and sweet and to treat his wife really good and treat her like a queen. Oh, and to dress really nice like a real man should.’

I nearly vomit every time I hear something along these lines as most of these women are trying to raise their boys to be the father’s that their son’s don’t have, hoping to fix the mistakes that they made in their mating through their boys and shaping them to become the knights in shining armor that they themselves as mother’s don’t often even deserve. Out of ignorance and delusion, these mothers are conditioning a new breed of young boys to belong to The Church of Latter Day Simps.

Then I will hit them with the question that they have to think long and hard about with no reasonable response ever given. “And what will she (his wife) be doing for him?” I’ll inquire.

The women are usually silent as you can hear a pin drop inside of their brains.

“Well,” they will often begin.

“He can get a good woman who takes care of the kids and is there for him. She can work too and I think she should do most of the housework if he’s paying most of the bills, but he can still help clean up and she can help pay some of the smaller bills too.”

I often times won’t bother to reply when I hear this. Usually they will attempt to lighten the mood by making a joke like: ‘Hey a good woman is in his life and that should be enough.’ As they will play with their hair or weave nervously.

What they really haven’t considered is that they are trying to mold their son’s into being the real prizes with indispensable traits and qualities, while their boys in turn get the short end of the stick – snagging a woman with expendable qualities and traits.

Black men are not generally formed to have any expectation of a quid pro quo (an exchange for an exchange) value system socially with women. A man is typically looked at as the person who is supposed to do just give, give, and give, even where there is no equal or sometimes even lesser value provided in return. In what other areas of life is this deemed reasonable besides parenthood and volunteerism that is based on sheer benevolence?

If She Can Make You, She Can Break You

In order to solidify ourselves and move forward as an autonomous unit who prioritizes group interests firsts, Black men must realize how valuable we are as individuals. One step in that direction is in relinquishing ourselves step by step, and case by case of the firm hold of internalizing a woman’s opinion of us – including our own mother’s.

I’ve found that for myself, historically, it has been extremely important to me for a woman that I interact with at length to view me in a positive light and to remember me in such a light as well. I’ve banked on her opinion and perspective of me being consistent throughout her life’s experience.

Think of that.

I’m desiring that someone who is generally inclined to be: up and down in their feelings, left and right in their beliefs and back and forth in their decision making to evaluate me as a man and judge me with a plus sign based on her interpretation of me – and crossing my fingers that she drops me in the favorable categorical box in her mind throughout her existence.

When women evaluate you, they are doing so by comparing you to experiences that they have had with other men, what she’s heard about what the qualities are of a “good man” from other women and a lot of times the biased opinions of men whom they know.

A woman is unfit to evaluate what makes a good man. Not only is she not a man, thus incapable of defining a man’s merits from a masculine perspective, but most importantly – she is not you.   Yes brothers – that part.

Only a man as an individual being bares the right and responsibility to evaluate whom he is. A man must know and live by his own set of principles, standards, morals, ethics and convictions even when doing so does not shed a good light on him from women. Even when doing so can cost him his own life or freedom.

A man’s evaluation of his merits and demerits from a social standpoint should only be done in accordance with other men with whom he shares some sense of culture with. A culture is a system of behaviors between groups of people. There is also a code of conduct based on the values of that group. There are certain things that men of intelligence and nobility will regard as simply being right and wrong, even where there is not much cultural similarity and these are those universal behaviors that apply to what is correct, acceptable and just – regardless of a man’s individual biases. Those man laws – that man code. These types of rules, standards and principles are what all men generally know without even having to speak them and can evaluate matters judiciously based on such.

A man should not be held by a woman judging him either positively or negatively. A woman is not qualified to judge a man’s essence as an individual, his spirit or even his character.

A woman will look at what a man does on a situational basis in combination with how she feels about her interactions with him and consider his reputation with other people and group those factors together over a period of time and place such titles as: “sweet,” “nice,” “good,” “mean,” etc. on that man based on such. A woman’s opinions should never be of any consequence to a man’s self-image and he should never get attached to maintaining a certain set of behaviors, or views based on her take on him – as he will end up jumping through psychological hoops in order to keep his status with her: a status that will change at a moment’s notice based on the state of her emotions and attitude towards him and the world around her.

Even if a woman thinks that you’re the best guy who’s ever come into her life and that you’re an exceptional, intelligent, upright man: as a man, you must detach yourself from the temporary recognition that you receive from a woman.  Much more often than not, she will come to resent you over time and often times without warning. Women have a tendency in many interpersonal cases involving men, particularly romantic ones, to go from adoring you to abhorring you.

For example:

“You’re so smart” turns into “You think you’re so much better than people.”

“You’re so sweet” turns into “You make me feel bad.”

“You handle situations with people so intelligently,” turns into “You’re a rude person.”

“I’ve never met a man quite like you,” turns into, “Don’t flatter yourself, you’re not special.”

When she sees you in a certain light, especially as the perfect guy early on, everything that you do will be magnified 1000x and you will need to maintain a damn near flawless streak unless you want to hear of all of your “shortcomings” from her, which will be exaggerated and unfair.  Additionally, she will not be able to withstand the same level of criticisms against her.

Personally, I’ve decided to only accept compliments from a woman on things that are superficial. Comments like, “Nice shoes,” “You smell good,” or “I like your watch,” are acceptable recognition’s, as they will neither make or break my self-image in any capacity. Whether she likes or dislikes these things, I know that I do. A gracious acknowledgment of her noticing is about as much internalization of a woman’s words that I’ll accept in this area.

Loving Yourself Enough to Walk Away

What is most important to me in dealing with a woman who I’m allowing to be in my life on any socially intimate level or of companionship is not her opinion of me, but rather, her demonstration of respect towards me – not necessarily her respect for me.

Banking on a woman authentic respect for me is having too much skin in the game. I can’t control her attitude, I can’t make her feel respect for me and I cannot read her heart to determine when she is genuine and when she is not but I can set the tone in regulating how she deals with me if she’s in my life and what I will and will not tolerate form her, based on the constant maintenance of living by my own standards.  She can feels how she wants to feel, she can dislike me – but she must show respect if she’s dealing with me.

When a person walks into a federal building, a place of worship or any other setting that is regarded as being authoritative or divine, regardless of how they personally feel about the place, they have a certain manner in which they conduct themselves when present.  They enter ahead of time knowing that a certain level of  decency must be maintained on the premises.  They know that there can be a severe consequence for not doing so in the way of either being dismissed or in the embarrassment of illustrating their misconduct.

Most Black men do not look at themselves as living temples, as sacred vessels that deserve respect because of the reputation of respect that it has built up for itself.

These building are made of brick and mortar and sometimes cheap materials but the spirit and reputation of the building is what commands respect -that’s what’s important brothers. As men, we must develop a track record of living in harmony with our standards in order to command respect from a woman. We have to respect ourselves first and we have to know in our hearts and minds our intrinsic and developed value as individuals.

In places such as employment and other business settings, with our neighbors, within our family circles and other peer groups with women, we have to set the tone for what is and what is not acceptable behavior when dealing with us – using discernment.

GET THE #1 PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENT GUIDE FOR BLACK MEN HERE ON AMAZON

Tip: Write or type a powerful statement that you can truly internalize and that resonates with you and that gives you (1) the strength to practice, (2) the belief in yourself to expect and (3) the courage to ensure that you stand by the construction of your worthy and esteemed self-image that is not dependent of a woman’s thoughts of you.

Your statement can be rehearsed both verbally and non-verbally and offered as a prayer or as a conscious meditation throughout the day as it begins to internalize itself into your conscious and subconscious mind.

Your statement may look like this:

“I am a complete man made in the mightiness and splendor of my Creator’s image. I alone define myself and that is no one else’s responsibility or right to do so as this violates the special bond between me and my Creator.

No woman has the authority or the wisdom to define me. I value myself highly and I don’t put women’s needs or desires ahead of my own. I am the most important person in the world and I always stand up for myself. My personal fulfillment and peace of mind is more important to me than a woman’s companionship, approval, regard or attention.

I do not tolerate disrespect from any woman. I am a respectful man who naturally offers an abundance of virtues that I live by and I deserve nothing short of virtue in return from a woman in the ways of her gifts of peace, respect, humbleness and consideration.

I am not attached to any woman. I set the tone with a woman, telling her what I will and what I will not accept from her. I explain the consequences for her failure to behave in accordance with my standards and I stay away from women that are inconsiderate of my reasonable expectations: as they are fair, just, balanced and based in wisdom.

A woman that looks down upon me or attempts to shame me is a cancer to me and I won’t tolerate her in my life. I don’t need any woman’s validation for anything. My Creator has made me complete and all that I need is within me.

No woman has any control over any part of my life. My life is my own and she can either be a part of my program or be removed from it. A woman’s life is better with me in it for all that I bring and I deserve fair treatment from a woman in return. I reserve my good qualities for women who deserve it and I don’t waste them on those who don’t deserve them out of fear of loss or loneliness.

I do not allow women to compare me to other men. A woman cannot remotely begin to recognize my full value and is not qualified to judge me. I don’t compare myself to other men. I am a special and unique man and if a woman demonstrates a pattern in which she does not show appreciation for that, then I will remove her from my life and not feel bad about it at all.

I do not compromise my common-sense, self-respect or integrity for any woman. It is a filthy disgraceful disrespect against my God to accept abusive mistreatment from any woman whom I have allowed to be in my life. I am a man with more to offer than any woman can ever handle, understand, realize or appreciate in full. I am a reflection of my Creator’s image that I am made in and I can never be replaced.”

Place your statement on paper, preferably in your own handwriting and carry your statement with you every day. Read your statement throughout the day however many times it takes to remind yourself of your value and to never forget it. Eventually you will start to live up to your new manifesto. When you come across a situation in dealing with women that is short of the standard that you set for yourself, you will turn away from accepting anything less as little by little, you will begin to behave in accordance with your statement.

It may feel strange and uncomfortable to talk to yourself in this way as more than likely you have never conditioned yourself to view yourself in such a monumental way. Keep reading and re-writing as much as you need to accept it.  Over time you will have to accept it.

Consider what the statement does. It makes you hold yourself to a personal standard. It requires you to constantly improve yourself while recognizing that you are worthy in the now. It is reasonable as it only asks to receive in proportion to what you give.

My brothers, let us all live up to a higher standard.

Written By: Waymon Brown. Creator of theesquireproject.com. Email info@theesquireproject.com