I created this series specifically for Black men out there who’s romantic dealings with women have been limited compared to many of their peers and who have been longing to experience a close intimacy with a woman, but who in their quest will likely face many of the grim realities that romance brings, particularly in the way of the severe culture shock upon discovering that their sincerity towards her, their respect for her, their self-sacrifice for her, and their love for her may not be good enough for her and how a man’s vulnerability with leaving his heart on the table with the female can and likely will lead to his downfall.

In this Part 3 series, we’re going to get into many of the common pitfalls that you’ll undergo once you begin to become experienced with the female so that you can be conscious the common snares that will come your way – so let’s get into it.

Now let’s say that you’re finally experiencing your first real go round with a girlfriend or a girlfriend type of experience with a woman, meaning that you may or may not have an official title with her, but the combination of the time that you spend with her, the attention that you give to her, the focus that you have on her, the feelings that you have for her, the mutual attraction that you two share, the varying degrees of affection that you both share either sexually and non-sexually, is that of the orientation of what finds familiar within a relationship. 

We’re going to focus on one major pitfall that encompasses a template of destructive mentally and emotionally imbalanced behaviors that lead to one’s downfall. 

Recognize and accept the severity of this pitfall as your major weaknesses during this time at it is the breeding ground for anti- emotional management. 

You have been long awaiting a fulfilled desire of connection with a woman and with that comes the pitfall of:

Attachment

Let us examine how attachment to a woman snowballs, creating a disastrous domino effect.

One of the main contributing factors as to how you found yourself in a state of love deprivation, is the likelihood that they you may have never had much female attention coming up.  

Girls when you were younger and women as you got older may have thought that you were handsome, kind of cute, funny, smart or nice, but there’s nothing quite like when an attractive woman demonstrates her interests in you by constantly wanting to talk to you and be around you. 

When you have been craving a woman’s companionship, conversation, affection and attention for so long and you finally begin to experience that, you will start to develop expectations from her. 

The entry level of attachment is: anticipation.  Anticipating her presence in your life on a regular basis, anticipating a consistent set of positive behaviors from her anticipating the possibility of how far this relationship with her can grow, even in a minimal state, starts off as a minor infection and then it becomes a widespread disease. 

Once you have conditioned your mind with the thought of her being in your life for the foreseeable future you are now living on the edge particularly when things seem so promising. 

Attachment can take place very early on, within the first month, the first week or even within the first conversation.     

Anticipation of her being around leads to expectations and expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. 

The issue with attachment is that it becomes destructive to your self-image, and having a healthy self-image is one of the most important qualities of a man’s self-investment, for the self-image operates like a master gland in the body, a gland which is responsible for producing what is necessary for all of the systems of the body to function properly.   

One of the main issues with attachment is that it often revolves around a fear of a loss of a connection with a woman and it breeds dependence on her.

The idea that her attention, affections and interests belong to you exclusively and the fear of it leaving you and being spread elsewhere litters and toxifies this gland of the mind known as the self-image because it will have you operating from a place of low-confidence, disorganization and mental and emotional instability.  However, we know that, when you finally get that experience that you’ve been wanting after all of these years, all of these decades, you will voluntarily throw caution to the wind, partly because you want to be attached, partly because you embrace the idea of your emotional dependency being  a demonstration of your sincerity.  You view vulnerability as a good thing.  Hoping that as you are vulnerable with her than she will in turn be vulnerable with you to the extent that you both depend on each other and will do what it takes to always be in each other’s lives in a satisfactory capacity.    

Sometimes, we must become sick before we can become well.  And we are indeed sick when we operate in an attached state with the female.  When you are ready for a remedy, it will be made available to you in the upcoming Part 4 to this series.     

Now there is a difference between looking forward to spending time with a woman due to the enjoyment of her company and her personality, but when you specifically look to a women as your source of comfort and when you look to a specific woman as being the only one who can provider that source, this woman that you’ve fallen for, than you have elevated her to a lofty status a status that she will come to see that she has in your mind and in turn in your life.  Now in this status you have given her so much power that you now want this woman to be thee woman.  You want her to be The One.  Because of this you will now begin to design your entire existence around her completing you.

And this is where the domino effect really takes place.  Due to the place that you have given her in your life, where now she occupies a huge chuck of your life, one of the first things to go is your soundness of mind.  This is when you will become naive about this woman and her character. 

You have placed such great importance in seeing her in a certain way, in a certain light – and you have taken such comfort in there being no reason for the two of you to ever depart from each other, thinking that at the absolute least you got a friend for life and this type of belief so wet behind the ears about this woman.

At this point you will believe nearly anything that she says because you want to believe her.  You want to trust her.  You want to give her the benefit of the doubt in nearly all things. You believe that she’s being completely transparent with you.  You can’t reason as to why it would be any other way.  Why would she hold back from telling you the truth about her past?  Why would she give you half the story about what’s going on in the present?  Why would she lie to you about anything?  You’re putting yourself out there with her because you’ve been waiting so long to have female companionship.  So you take her word when she says she’s all about you, that she has no interests elsewhere, and that she isn’t going anywhere.  And you take such comfort in those assurances from her.

When she tells you about what happened with the last three guys, you cannot see that her attitude, her behaviors, were contributing factors, you want to be the one to solve the problem, but the problem is in large part her.  She is the common denominator in all these past relationships or dealings with other men. 

She’s already told you of the pattern that is within her, with the last few guys that she’s dealt with, she left him and him and him.  She transitioned from one man to another when she was dealing with this guy and that guy.  Even when it comes to her female friends, she fell out with this homegirl and with another as well. 

She is showing you how she really gets down through her conversation if you listen closely.  If you took your mind and your heart out of it, you would see clearly. 

But you can’t right now.    

You can’t fully accept that the way that she’s handled herself in situations in her past – which makes up the sum of her life in the present, is in man ways unbecoming of someone who should be considered trustworthy in building a relationship with.

Most women don’t like their past because they are trying to live it down or they simply don’t want to recognize how screwed up they’ve handled thins because they can’t take criticisms that reflect negatively on their character.. 

And even in the present experience that you’re having with her, you will throw much caution to the wind and both make and accept – excuses for her hypocrisies, excuses for her inconsistencies, excuses for her contradictions and even excuses for the lies that you’ll catch her in right in front of your face.  You’ll try to make sense of her senseless behavior.  You will constantly give her the benefit of the doubt, even though if you had a friend who told you that they were having certain experiences with a woman that you were having that just didn’t seem right, just didn’t get a good vibe about, that you would warn your friend against such dealings with this woman. 

You cannot see that through all of her complaints about men that the one’s who treated her the worst are the one’s who got the furthest along with her.  Those are the one’s she was the freak for, the one that she had a child with.  The one she gave her whole heart to.  You get the bits and pieces despite all of your efforts.  And what’s a really sick thing is when you may have the experience of never even making love to this woman after all of the blood, sweat and tears that you have given to maintain a relationship of some sort with her and she freely gives of herself in this way to another man who didn’t have to do much at all.  You give her the love that she needs, but she gets her lustful desires fulfilled elsewhere.  What you thought was something for the both of you to share in is available for the taking to the sexier guy, saying what she wants to hear and doing what she likes who catches her on the right night.  She will keep you around for the attention, for the emotional support and for the dates, while experiencing her more carnal gratifications elsewhere.

And even if you have a title and she cheats on you, or deals with other men inappropriately or steals from you, lies to you, betrays you or is disloyal to you in any form you’ll still deal with her.  Because the opportunity for a sense of connection is more important that your dignity.  She knows that she can’t get away with murder with you because she can read you like a book and that’s because you’ve put yourself out there.  She’s got you in check now.  Now you are a prisoner on a short leash, scared to do or say the thing that could result in her leaving you.  She knows this and takes advantage of it.  Because more than being involved with you, she desires just as much to be able to know that she has conquered you.    

The sacrifice of your reasonable judgment is indeed going to rot away when you’re dealing with women after being in a love deprived state for so long.

Deterioration of Your Focus

Your pursuits that you had before dealing with her, your job or career and your interests and hobbies may all to varying degrees suffer in progress in productivity.  This is largely because her being on your life now occupies most of your thoughts. So you will find yourself distracted at work, you will see that instead of this woman serving as your muse who inspires you to great heights, she will end up being a drain to your creativity.    

Expect for a time that the quality of your work will take a hit as nearly your entire attention span is based around her now. Completely unbalanced and at a disproportionate but as someone who has ben wanting her for so long, you will make this sacrifice oath consciously and subconsciously. 

If you practice any art form, on the plus side, the negative experience that you have with her can lead to turning that experience around for a creative endeavor.  As a writer, she may become become a character in your work or she may end up inspiring lyrics to a song.  The experience with her may help allow you to help other brothers out there know what to avoid and to be on the lookout for much like in this series that I’m sharing with you.  But before you can turn a negative into a positive, and develop an empowering philosophy around your disheartening experiences, you will undergo the unpleasantries, of demotivation.

One of the reasons for the deterioration of your focus will be when she becomes contentious with you, stirring up trouble in your life by way of playing mind games, being inconsistent in her behavior, being unpredictable in her behavior, the constant changes, the up and down, left and right back and forth ways of her, you will spend much time trying to figure out what’s wrong, when you can’t .  She’s too messed up.  She’s all over the place, but as you try to be her Captain-Save-Em, you will give up your own livelihood in the process.  You will be the sacrificial lamb to her ever changing emotions and it is a thankless job in the end.  This energy that you are investing into settling the chaos that she brings to your life, trying to always smooth things out is energy that could be used for a much greater yield in the ways of your creative, economic, physical, mental, intellectual, spiritual, and social expansion and development.

The After-Shock.  The surprise of her one day suddenly changing her mind about you.  The surprise of her telling you that there’s someone else, when you made your life all about her.  Not just, your focus on women all about her, but you formed your life in part around being able to maintain her in it when she gave you very little in return. 

Her sudden attitude that she will have towards you.  Her resentment, things that she never told you that was feeling about you the whole time.  And then you’ll wonder why she hadn’t brought these things up before or if she had why she never brought up the seriousness of them to figure out how to fix it before it becomes a much larger issue.  That’s because she’s an emotional leach, she was assessing how much she would choose to accept that she doesn’t like in comparison to how much of a void you fill.  It’s never been about you – it’s been about her feelings being satisfied.  

Once she is no longer satisfied, she walks away.

Written By: Waymon Brown. Creator of theesquireproject.com. Email info@theesquireproject.com